awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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