we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
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