i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Randomize
