I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
