atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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