Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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