we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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