Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
