The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize