She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Randomize
