I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
