just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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