I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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