i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
