sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
