I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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