Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
