I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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