LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
