He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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