dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
