I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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