Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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