he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
