I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
