If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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