4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
