i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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