she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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