sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
