When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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