Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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