It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
