I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Randomize
