WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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