Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
