i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
