Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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