He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
