i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Randomize
