she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
