So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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