I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
