what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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