My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Randomize
