I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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