i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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