My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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