just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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