I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
