They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
