My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize