You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
