last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
