someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
