you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
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