the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
