i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
