good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
never play flip cup with pint glasses
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
