I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
only you would photoshop your dick
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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