I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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