If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
