I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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