The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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